my heart must break a million times a day.

i feel silly for letting myself feel this way. but then again, God gave us emotions for a reason. Paul says that one of the hardest things to do in this life is to control the body and mind.

that's my weak point. i have the hardest time trying to grab a hold of myself and gain reasonable, logical, healthy control. i just let myself go. that goes for lots of aspects, dietary, emotional, and i'll admit it, even physical sometimes. so many stupid boys i wish i'd never kissed.

sunday i was doing a lot of thinking about my future. about things that are going to happen. thinking about being proposed to. how i might react. thought about how excited i'll be to go to the temple with him. thought about how i'd tell him when i find out that i'm pregnant for the first time. thought about going to doctors appointments and watching our little miracle grow. thought about having a little toddler that will follow me a round and cling to my legs. that will fall down and get booboos and will surprise me with what he says and does. thought about how i'd love to watch every sunrise and every sunset with him when i find him. thought about the little things that i look forward to too. like going to walmart together and buying detergent and hand soap. stuff like doing dishes together. or how we'll both crash on the couch after a hard day and wake up at 3am and realize that our legs and backs hurt from falling asleep crookedly. thought about how much fun it would be to have dinner ready when he comes home and tell him i love him and rub his shoulders for him. thinking that once i find him i'll never let a day go by without showing him how much i love him. and more importantly, i'll never let a day go by without letting him know how much i love my God and my Savior. that's something else i look forward to. having a beautiful marital relationship where as we draw ourselves closer to Father in heaven that we'll grow closer to each other naturally. i want us to put God first, each other and our family second, and then everything else will fall into place. i want someone to have faith with, to discuss scripture with. someone i can pray with and share that part of my life with. that's a very private and personal part of my life. it takes someone that truly loves me for me to share that. someone that won't take that lightly. that will let me feel the spirit- that wont do things or say things that would chase it away.

dont worry. we'll find each other.

i love you. i always have. i always will. i know you love me. i guess that we love each other very much but we just dont know it yet.

been thinking about this a lot lately.

and it's gotten me out of my happy streak that i've been having, but i needed to discover this about myself.

i know music. everything from rap to reggae, classical to classic rock, alternative, blues, jazz, hip hop, pop, country... you name it, i know it.

all these beautiful songs, so many trying to express the same thing - devotion and passion. about something, about an idea, about someone.

and i look back to the last handful of relationships i've had, and with one exception, each one is empty.

when will my life's soundtrack include a love song? i've got plenty of songs about working, school, and plenty of hymns, but the only "love songs" i have are the slow, sad ones that i play late at night when i feel like crying.

i have plenty of songs about apathy, neglect, abuse, ego. i have plenty about crying myself to sleep, plenty about giving someone my heart and them looking at it, saying "oh that's nice" and tossing it aside. i have plenty of songs about being used, about being cheated on, about being an object instead of an equal.

and right now i've added songs about how numb i feel inside. about how hopeless this all looks. about the gentleness, compassion and friendship that have been missing from my life for so long.

about how i'm done.

seems like the instrument that i've been playing my life's songs with lately is a cello. sweet, soft, slow and sad. haunting notes and beautiful melodies falling on deaf ears.

i can't play loud enough for you to hear, and my hands are getting tired.

i know how it feels to look one way, only to realize that his gaze is elsewhere. both want to go back to what we had... but not with each other. both realizing that it's not possible... but looking anyway.

i've felt better these last few days. looking over my journal. my dark periods, i call them "being in a funk" in my entries, stand out like sore thumbs. the handwriting is different. tenses, sentence structure, it's all different. it's like seeing both sides of me. the side of me that's scared, insecure, hurt and rejected; and then flipping a few pages to a bright period and seeing the girl that's happy and confident, unselfish, hopeful, optimistic.

how do i get both people to reconcile? how do i take this split and fuse it into someone complete? the girls at work tell me that i'm moody- they know when i've changed over to either side. sometimes i cant tell until i'm laughing and my eyes are sparkling, or i'm crying for no reason in front of my best friend and i cant figure out why i have such an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.

other things.

got my first filling today. and occlusal on #15. i asked for nitrous... :D that's wonderful stuff. felt so weird. i giggled a lot. i really did feel numb all over. i've never had my mouth numb either. so that was a new and exciting feeling.

i have zits. i'm almost 21. can i just say goodbye to acne? i've got "stress bubbles" if you will all over my forehead and temples.

i really am through with "love". at least until maybe... november. february. i'm not looking for it, i'm not aiming for it, i don't want to find it. all it does is hurt. well, on second thought i guess that would be because it's not love. it's me hoping that he'll try to love me back. i can love easily, but it's only when he loves me back that i can actually be IN love. i'm lucky- i've been in love three times. it's kind of funny - the three that i've been in love with i still love. some from a distance, one i'm lucky enough to see on a regular basis. bottom line- i'm just going to go on being the best Krista that i can be, and we'll see if light really cleaves to light.

it was good to see miller. looks like he's doing alright. hopefully he'll like straylight run. kind of a bummer that we cant hang out this summer, but, such is life. kind of funny and ironic and hectic. it's evident every day, every second that there's Someone else driving this train. sometimes it seems like it's going too slow, but then i look out the window and discover the scene that He has slowed down for so that i could see. or when i feel like the engines are going to fast, too hard. He's really just trying to get me through a rough patch.

life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards.

one of the best people i've ever known told me that.